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A CAMPAIGN STOR Y. 



-THE- 



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WHICH IT UITCLE DID NOT BUY. 



With Reasons W 



BY ONE OF HIS NEPHEWS. 



PHILADELPHIA : 

Union Puintino Rooms., '^0 N. Sixth St. 

1880. 

PRICE FIVE CENTS. Trade supplied as above. 



[COPYRIOHTED.] 



A CAMPAIGN STORY. 

THE 

WHICH MY UNCLE DID NOT BOY. 

WITH REASONS WHY. 



Children very early vsliow their fondness for stories, and 
truth presented in this form is a very successful way of in- 
structing them. " Children of a larger growth," clear through 
the voting age» are scarcel}- less delighted and instructed by 
truth presented in this way. Therefore, I have thrown this 
lecture into the form of a narrative, or a story of The Horse 
my Uncle did not buy. However transparently truthful 
horse-jockeys are known to be, and noted for full, clear, un- 
equivocal candor in statements and answers, yet it is well for 
any one in swapping or buying a horse to exercise a little 
judgment in examining the animal in temper, age, training, 
limb, wind, gait, habits, etc. My narrative may illustrate this 
profound and valuable truth. One morning, last June, a gen- 
tleman on a large, black, high-stepping steed, came riding up 
to my Uncle Samuel's gate, accompanied by two other gen- 
tlemen on animals not so much distinguished for tiieir blood 



4 THE SUPERB SOLDIER'S HORSE. 

as for their ears. The rider of the black steed was a " superb 
soldier." 1 soon learned the other two were Mr. Cipher, dis- 
tinguished for grand mone^'ed and railroad transactions, and 
Mr. Barnum, the illustrious purchaser of the animals Anah 
found in the wilderness while feeding the asses of Zibeon, his 
father, now known as mules. 

The soldier wished to sell his Southern-blooded steed to 
my Uncle ; but he could not do the trading himself, as he 
never condescended to do anything like Yankee chaffering, 
dickering, and bargaining — didn't know anything about busi- 
ness ; he was a soldier, from his youth up ; only a soldier ; 
nothing else but a soldier; "a superb soldier;" therefore, 
Mr. Cipher and Barnum had come along to attend to the 
bargaining — to do the trading. My Uncle, Yankee-like, was 
never loth to talk about a trade, requested the " superb sol- 
dier " to dismount, that he might examine the animal, and 
remove his superb saddle and superb saddle-cloth, which 
almost hid the animal from view. But to this very unreason- 
able request of my Uncle, both Mr. Cipher and Barnum ob- 
jected, saying the horse always appeared at his best when 
mounted by "a superb soldier," with a superb saddle and 
saddle-cloth ; that his movements and bearing were always 
grander under such a rider. But my Uncle stubbornly in- 
sisted, that if he was to purchase, he must see the clean horse, 
without any trappings. The noble steed being uncovered, 
my Uncle asked Mr. Cipher if he could give his pedigree ? 
" Yes, sir, indeed ; he descended from Bucephalous and the 
Maid of Orleans, and from Shark, which Youatt, in his his- 
tory of the horse, says, was sire of the best Kentucky and F. 
F. Virginian horses. He was brought out by the immortal 
Thomas Jefferson, stabled in Kentucky in 1798 and in Yir- 



THE SUPERB SOLDIER'S HORSE. 5 

ginia in 1799, and afterwards was brought out by that '' Ohl 
Hickory " heio, Gen. Jackson, and has been " pawing in the 
valley," un terrified, ever since. My Uncle remarked, that he 
feared he had not fared sumptuously for some time, as he 
seemed to show his ribs too plainly ? 

Mr. Cipher admitted he was thin in flesh, but said there 
was a great deal of wisdom in the saying, " a lean dog for a 
long race;'' so a horse, for a long and hard run, must not 
carry too much flesh. He admitted the poor animal had not 
had much public oats for some twenty years ; still he had 
fared better than Tanner ; he had lived on nothing but water 
for forty days, but this steed, besides water, of which he was 

not very fond, had scarcely ever been without his whiskey 

sometimes the best Kentucky Bourbon — and this was found 
to keep him in splendid spirits for the fray. My Uncle, step- 
ping back a little, ran his eye along the spine from the with- 
ers to the loins, and said there seemed to be a very deep 
valley between the rump and the shoulders. He feared the 
animal was somewhat " chinked in the chine," as it is called, 
or what is vulgarly known as sway-backed. 

Mr. Barnum admitted there was considerable concave there, 
and said this was usually caused by a fall, or the pressure of 
an enormously heavy burden. Yet he could prove it was an 
advantage to the strength of this animal in bearing up the 
greatest weights. It is a well established fact that there is 
no stronger architectural form of support than the arch or 
arc, and turning the animal over would give a beautiful seo-. 
ment of a circle. And if you only knew what loads, moun- 
tain loads, that horse has carried, you would never doubt his 
endurance, strength, and willingness to bear any load that 
may be laid upon him. Why, sir, we laid upon him at one 



6 THE SUPERB SOLDIER'S HORSE. 

time nearly four millions of negro slaves, and all the cries 
and curses, and the bloody dracoiiian code of the whole 
system, and he carried the whole enormous thing with ease, 
and walked with a high and royal step through the years 
from '50 to '60, and then we put on top of that a grand rebel- 
lion against majority, mudsill meddling, and national inter- 
ference. 

It was a huge load, indeed, but the noble beast would have 
carried it all, unhurt, but while thus burdened, an unfeeling 
butcher, by the name of Uly Simpson G., prodded him in the 
flank with a bayonet, and gave him a fall which perhaps 
caused, or at least deepened that curve ot the spine ; but I 
think he is almost, if not entirely, recovered. Phlebotomy 
is a remedy for that, and African and carpet-bag blood-let- 
ting has much reduced the inflammation, and a renowned 
Southern liniment has entirely cured him, and he is willing, 
and almost ready to repeat the grand feat over again. My 
Uncle, stepping in front of the grand old monarch, looked 
carefully at his eyes, and said he did not like the appearance 
of the cornea. Has his eye-sight not been injured at some- 
time ? Has he never had the " gutta-serena," known by the 
name of the glass-ej^e ? Has he never had the staggers? 
Ah, yes, says Mr. Barnum, at one time he was slightly 
afflicted with some of these things ! The first is usually 
caused by the air of the stable becoming very much heated, 
at the same time becoming impregnated with some subtle 
poison, also vevy strong fumes of ammonia or hartshorn 
rising in the stable is injurious to the eyes; also the dark- 
ness of the stable, very little or dim light, injures the sight. 
This steed has always been kept in his Southern stable, and 
for a spell, perhaps, between 'GO and '65, the air down there 



THE SUPERB soldier's UORSE. 7 

became very much heated, iind carried some subtle poison in 
.it, also the fumes of ammonia were unusually pungent; then 
the stable never had light enough in it — the^^ never liked 
school-houses and school-masters or 'mams down there, they 
shot the one and burned the other. And while the noble 
steed was suffering semi-blindness, a brute by the name of 
Abe Lincoln hit him over the liead with a big, cruel emanci- 
pation club, and gave him the staggers ! But we think he is 
almost entirely recovered. Some half-million enlighteners 
went down there, and blew his stable full of holes, let in lots 
of light, cooled the air, and removed some of the poisonous 
malaria, and 3^ou can see for yourself the cornea is almost 
perfectly clear. 

My Uncle thought he saw some suspicious protuberances 
on the hind limbs, just above the pastern joint; and step- 
ping up gently laid his hand upon the horse's rump, and be- 
gan to rub down his hind leg, when the horse, with both feet, 
gave a most malicious kick, just grazing m}^ Uncle's head! 
My Uncle lifted his face with a slight pallor but a blazing 
eye. 

Mr. Barnum in a tone of apology said, that for some reason 
the animal would never permit a real Northern man to rub his 
hind pastern joints. A very gentle and amiable sucker by 
the name of Abraham, tried it once and was kicked to death. 
Even the most superb Northern soldier had to be very careful 
which end of the animal he handled. A genuine native bom 
Southern gentleman can stand right behind him, and curry 
both hind legs with perfect safety, the animal really seems to 
enjoy it. But several Northern gentlemen who have tried it 
will perhaps, never forget the result. It is said, Seymour 
and Pendleton, and Trumbull, and Doolittle, and Julian, and 



8 THE SUPERB SOLDIER'S HORSE. 

Butler, and Thurman, and Tilden. ^et bear the proofs, behind 
and before, of their attempt. 

There is nothing the matter with his hind pastern joints, 
and they ought to let them alone. This fiery charger was so 
provoked at one time with this meddling that he kicked 
eleven stable doors all to flinders, and the hinges oti" three 
others, let all the animals out to rage around unbridled and 
unrestrained ; and it cost several thousand millions to repair 
the smash and recover the beasts, and quite a number of 
people were killed. Northern people ought to let his hind 
feet alone. One end of the horse is quite enough for them. 

My Uncle took the hint and went to the front end and pro- 
posed to open his moiith and examine his teeth, but the ani- 
mal laid back his ears and opened his mouth himself, in a 
way that startled my Uncle again. This time Mr. Cipher 
apologized the explanation. He said two or three unman- 
nerly fellows by the names of Garrison, and Sumner, and 
Brown, had gotten hold of the steed's bridle at one time, 
several years ago, and jerked him and teased him and ex- 
amined his teeth, and falsified his age and ancestry, tracing 
his origin away back into the age of barbarism. They had 
fearfully insulted the creature, and ruffled and spoiled his 
temper, but if my Uncle would kindly pat his neck, and very 
gently open his mouth he thought he might look at his teetft 
without being hurt. My Uncle thought it was hardly worth ^ 
while, as when the animal's mouth was opened, he saw there 
were no teeth worth looking after — they were now simply 
store-teeth. 

My Uncle, at a safe distance, examined the fore pastern 
joints, and said he thought he saw evidence of the disease 
called "' Grease," or of "Acute Founder," and asked if the 



THE SUPERB SOLDIER's HORSE. 9 

horse had not at sometime been foundered ? Mr. Barn am 
said, to tell the truth, it is supposed he was at one time. 
About 185B he broke into a wealthy gentleman's fields and 
granary and ate too much. Youatt says nine or ten pounds 
of oats is enough for an ordinary horse, but he ate several 
million bushels, besides fodder he never took any account of 
whatever. In fact it began to be feared there would be 
nothing either green or dry left, but as he could not hold any 
more he had to stop. But we think he has entirely recovered 
from that founder, as he has been compelled to fast ever 
since, except what whiskey he could get, and what water he 
could be induced to take. He has since that broken into a 
few fields here and there, but most of them have been old 
rebel battle-fields that proved rather naked, so he has never 
foundered since, and we think he is entirely well by this time. 
My Uncle thought he saw about the hock-joint some signs 
of an old bone spavin and asked Mr. Cipher if the animal at 
sometime had not been galloped very hard or very far, or 
been driven very severely. 

Mr. Cipher said it was possible he had, because between 
the period of '60 and '60 they had given him to Southern 
gentlemen to hunt and carry back runaway slaves, whether 
negroes or not, and as some of these had very nearly reached 
the land of refuge, the Canada border, he had a very long 
and hard run, and perhaps had been driven day and night too 
hard. My Uncle remarked that he noticed about the fetlock 
evidence of more recent windgalls, and supposed he had 
been over-ridden more recently than that. 

Mr. Cipher said they had loaned him to the great General 
Unready in 1864 to hunt up lo3''al soldiers who would vote 
that the war was a failure on their side, but these were so 



10 THE SUPERB SOLDIER'S HORSE. 

few and so far between the great General in his anxiet}' and 
vexation, dug his spurs into the sides of the animal, rode far 
and fast and furious, and when he returned the horse it was 
found that he was somewhat wind-broken, had several saddle 
sores on him, had a number of wind-galls, and a touch of 
the pole-evil, supposed to have been caused by a rap over the 
head with the poles. My Uncle said he noticed the hair was 
rubbed off the horse's sides and hips in several places, that 
there were scars on his shoulders, and remaining signs of fis- 
tula about the withers. 

Yes, sir, says Mr. Barnum, the scar you notice high up on 
the rump there, is where Davis tattooed his title, " secession 
horse," into his flesh, and in 1872 they hired an ignorant 
lubber of a servant, named Horace, who did not know a horse- 
thief from a Democrat, who said he had a process by which 
the name could be entirely removed, but he did not succeed, 
as the letters of the name reappear at times, as you see the}^ 
are now beginning to show pretty plainly again. And he 
tried to work the horse in harness entirelj^ too large for him. 
He tried to gear him in rigging large enough for the whole 
United States, but the horse had never been accustomed to 
harness half that size, and of course it chafed and galled 
him, and he didn't work well. Then the presumptuous, awk- 
ward lummox thought he would mount him, without his 
master's orders, and go a horseback, so the horse threw him 
and killed him. Northern servants ought to have learned a 
lesson from this, that the aristocratic .proud steed will not 
carry any Northern rider, not even the most "superb soldier,'^ 
only by his Southern master's orders. My Uncle asked if 
this horse w^as noted for intelligence ? 

Yes, sir, said Mr. Cipher, Dan Rice never had any tiling in his 



THE SUPERB SOLDIER'S HORSE. 11 

ring that could equal him ; for instance, in counting, that horse 
can beat anything ever known at a count, of course he does 
it principally b}' signs, and sa3^s nothing about it. In Ala- 
bama he was given a ballot-box with only 100 votes of a cer- 
tain kind in it, and he counted nearly 400 of that very kind 
out of it. In Georgia he counted a minorit}- of 15,000 over 
into a majority of 50,000, and counted equall3'well in Missis 
sippi, Louisiana, and Florida, and in South Carolina counted 
population, faster than houses could be built for them. He 
never was crazy enough to say " once one is two," but once 
one is a hundred, ciphers are nothing, put in as many of them 
as you please. He has some other tricks which show just as 
much intelligence as that one. 

My Uncle said to Mr. Cipher, it seems to me so noble a 
steed should have better care taken of him than he has had 
for sometime. 

True, sir, says Mr. Cipher, true ; and so soon as his South- 
ern master recovers his rightful inheritance, the vast domain 
which he lost by no fault or crime of his own, but only be- 
cause of the overwhelming numbers and ferocity, and unscru- 
pulous and unchivalric mode of warfare of his enemies — I sa}- 
so soon as he recovers his lost estate, we will build him a 
royal stable, repair all the stalls that have been broken down, 
return all his faithful, loving, and happy grooms that have 
been driven from him and scattered from Canada to Kansas. 
He shall feed on the fat of the land, and never know want or 
work any more. Yes, sir ; and he deserves it all. 

My Uncle asked if he was a good draught-horse; if he 
would pull well ? 

Pull well ! Nothing ever hitched in harness could beat him 
pulling back or pulling down hill. If it had not been for 



]2 THIe SUPERB soldier's HORSE. 

some inulish things pulliiig against liiin lie would have pulled 
this w^hole national' concern into the valley of Jehoshaphat 
long ago. • • • ' 

My tFucle said to Mr. Barimm, it is reported this steed was 
hitched to the car of freedom sometime ago; he balked and 
refused to pull a pound ; ho\r was that ? 

Yes, says Mr. Barnum ; it wtcS this way: His Southern 
owner had written on the front end of the car, " Negro equals 
ity and supremacy ;" when the noble beast turned his head 
and saw that, his proud Caucassian soul was disgusted, there- 
fore, he refused to pull, and what wonder! Think of it! 
Bah ! He was perhaps deceived, sir ; only misled. Just 
assure him that the effort is - to lift the no.ble race into the 
pure mountain air Of freedom, and every muscle will be 
stretched to its utmost tension. Turn loose that white milk- 
sop of a colt you have the harness on ; purchase and hitch up 
this giant steed, if you wish to advance rapidly toward tlie 
purer, serener heights of constitutional liberty. 

What do you ask, says my Uncle, for your steed, Mr. 
Barnum ? 

Well, sir ; we will make the terms very easy and reason- 
able. We do not ask the cash down. We will sell on time 
and conditions. First, this "superb soldier" is to be the 
only rider for at least four years. Second, he and all future 
riders of the animal are to have a spacious, well-furnished 
house, rent free, on the Potomac, with plenty of paid servants. 
Third, the horse is to be well stabled on the south side, in a 
mild climate, and furnished by you with all the oats he may 
demand, and is to be pastured in the North during the sum^ 
mer. Fourth, he is to be worked only under the direction of 
his Southern master, and we expect you to p^y for all the 



THE ST PERB &0LD]EU;3 HORgE. 13 

oats he lost by the twenty years fast, he was compelled to en- 
dure. We eoiild not sell him outright for cash dowji. He is 
invaluable. We could agree, on no definite price that would 
equal his worth. But so long as you comply with these easy, 
trifling terms, the priceless. hjQrseis at your service, but no 
longer. ^ , .: > :. 

I fancy my Uncle looked very much as a generous, patri- 
otic gentleman would, if Shylock or William English should 
stick a pin in him to get a little blood to write a mortgage or 
a deed to that gentleman's real estate ; and you may imngine 
that look. But the cool, genial old gentleman said, with 
great suavity: Mr. Barnum, I have a heavy and very precious 
cargo to carry toward the mountain top, and as 3^our animal 
is getting up in years, and has been afflicted with several dis- 
eases at various times, I fear he is not strong enough for my 
work. 

Not strong enough ! cried Mr. Cipher ; not strong enough 1 
you are ignorant of his stiength sir^ the weight of the load 
he has carried for the last five years can never be told. He 
has carried whole regiments of " rifle clubs," and "white- 
liners,*' and "shot gun companies," and numbers of ballot- 
boxes and untold reams of tissue ballots, and besides all these 
perhaps more than two thousand dead negroes and carpet bag- 
gers. The scales have never been invented that could weigh 
the load he carries, yet he is able to bear much more ; you 
may lay between his withers and rump, in the deep concave 
of his strong back, the whole Confederate debt, two thousand 
millions of Southern claims, and a thousand millions of 
greenbacks besides, and he will carry them all without a 
grunt, and a " superb soldier " sitting above all. 

I saw that in my Uncle's eye which said, that sLiw-match 



14 THE SUPERB SOLDIER'S FIORSE. 

has burned up to the powder. As it kindled, he said, Mr. 
Cipher, your steed will not suit me, you acknowledge he is 
older than General Jackson, that he has been wind-broken, 
has had the staggers, bone-spavin, gutta-serena, acute-founder, 
windgalls, fistula, and pole-evil, is thin in flesh, is ravenously 
liungry and sway -backed ; that he can work only under the 
direction of another naaster, yet 3'ou expect me to pasture 
him in m^' meadow^s, provide all the oats his bottomless stom- 
ach may demand, and pay for all the oats he has lost by 
twenty years unwilling fasting! you call these easj-, trifling 
terms ! you acknowledge he now^ carries a foul, guilty, loathe- 
some load, heavy enough to crush an elephant and Leviathan 
rolled together, yet you think he can carr^^ much more. Let 
me tell you sir, if he is willing to carry his present burden 
he is not fit to bear the cargo that now lies on my noble 
white steed. And I know your horse would not work in the 
harness ray horse is now working in, nor pull at the front end 
of the car that mine is now drawing ; because for more than 
twenty years your old horse has been pulling at the other 
end of the car of progress, pulling the other way and pulling 
downward. And young as my gallant charger is I can prove 
he is much stronger than yours, for he has pulled yours up- 
ward with all his horrid unweighable load clinging to him, 
has drawn him across the field of emancipation, through 
the valley of resumption, across the plains of reconstruction, 
into the clear pathway of a sound national currency and re- 
joicing prosperity, and so far up the mountain side of a 
higher, purer, stronger, national life. And if the old skele- 
ton will continue hitched on behind the car which this gigan- 
tic young steed is drawing from the valley to the heights 
above, we will draw him clear into the pure serene atmos- 



THE SUPERB SOLDIER'8 HORSE. 15 

phere of the mountain summit, where the whole earth can 
look upon a nation which gives to its citizens sufficient de- 
fence and protection, a full, fair ballot, an honest count and 
freedom of tongue and pen, and unfurls the banner of equal 
rights and liberty over all its people. And in such a pres- 
ence as that, "a cloud of witnesses," made up of God, 
angels, and earth, your old purblind, spavined nag may likely 
drop his wretched, loathesome load, and in that high, pure 
air he may recover his sight and health, and renew his youth. 
But this his " Maine " chance is becoming more hopeless every 
day, having besides his other diseases, lung fever and con- 
sumption, but few have any hope he will ever recover or live 
much longer. At present he is utterly unfit for my purposes, 
as for his intrinsic value I would not give you a Confederate 
shin-plaster for him. It may be true that money enough 
makes the mare go, but no one has ever j^et been able to es- 
timate how much it takes to keep that horse going. So good 
day, gentlemen. For these reasons my Uncle did not buy 
the "superb soldier's horse," so he is still in the hands of the 
auctioneers 



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